ive officially exhausted myself.
speaking hurts my throat like hell, headaches are a constant buzz in my head, and i cant really stand for more than an hour or two. my friends think im being lazy and my coworkers think im becoming a waste of time. the thing is they dont know whats going on with me cuz i wont tell them unless they beat it out of me. they dont know how tired or how sick or how stressed ive been over the last month.
a hundred fears rush into me every night when i try to go to sleep. will i have enough money to pay for school? will i get the bursary? how will i get the money? will i be able to maintain my average? why cant i seem to move forward with work? will i be able to live up to people's expectations of me?
i know everybody has the same fears that i do. my friends and family would give me pointers or tips on what i should do if they ever find out about my problems but honestly, no matter what, i dont want them to find out. i dont want them to pity me, or try to help me. they have their own problems to worry about. all my life, that has been the way i am. i take my pain, and i walk with it. alone. thats the way it is.
id rather smile and have fun with the people close to me than to see them worry about me. my problems are my own and no one else's. i know some people understand this but most others wouldnt.
i guess its this freakish sense of responsibility of mine that makes me this way. ive grown up with notions of honor and responsibilty. ive gone through life as "the eldest, the responsible one, the hope." what has thinking like this done for me? ive become the quiet one, shy and secluded, never really speaking unless spoken too.
its kinda funny. this is probably the only place that i would even admit and say these things. its really too since bad that no one immediately close to me ever comes here. if they did, then theyd understand me so much more. but they dont. and itll stay that way.
little bits and pieces of my life will fall out from time to time. but no one will completly see the big picture that is me.
